Behavior Charts for General Behavior Issues

Some of the biggest problems we are seeing parents struggle with in regards to parenting and child behavior issues aren't always to big ones like: teen suicide, teen depression, teen pregnancy, or teen drug addiction; but the general everyday behavior issues that we all deal with at times. Maybe it is never doing their homework, ditching out on their chores, or doing them half-heartedly, lying, stealing, cheating in school, fighting with siblings, or just disrespect. Obviously the list could go on and on and we can't address every individual issues separately in this post today. However; we can give you some great tools and positive parenting tips to help you get control back.

Believe it or not, your children and teens need rules and discipline. Some of us that had overly strict parents or felt wronged by an authoritative figure, think that we will never treat our kids that way and in the process go too far in the other direction. Depriving our children and teenagers of the guidance, lessons in responsibility, choice and accountability, and civility that they need to become successful, contributing members of society.

The problem with most of these "overly-strict" or "mean" parents isn't that they meant to be mean or harmful to us in anyway, they just didn't have a good plan. They didn't think ahead to what problems could arise and have a plan in place to deal with them, they just "rolled with the punches" and dealt with each problem as it arose. The problem with that is that, when we are faced with a problem our natural physiological responses prevent us from making logical and rational decisions. Thus, we become "mean" (some maybe even violent) or "over react" to situations. As a result, we generally don't follow-through with any long-term threats. This is sending not only the wrong message, but also mixed messages to our children and teens. First, we are teaching them to deal with problems with anger. Second, we are teaching them that they can't trust us. We threaten something but later realize it wasn't really what was best, so we don't follow through.

A simple solution is to create a parent contract that outlines expected behavior and specific consequences for when the child/teen doesn't follow through with the expected behavior. A general behavior contract can include anything you want or anything you foresee as an issue in your family. Some areas we suggest include:

• Honesty
• Morals
• Language
• Disagreements/arguments
• Family relationships
• Respect for property
• Clothes/appearance
• Privacy
• Family Meetings
• Mealtime
• Blatant disrespect of rules
• Weapons

Of course you can edit or change this list to include age specific of family specific rules that will most benefit your family. Just remember: look ahead for what problems MAY arise. Have set expectations and consequences agreed upon before hand by both parent and child. Then, FOLLOW THROUGH! Don't set up consequences that you won't enforce. Don't give your child a second chance when they knowingly break a rule that has a specific consequence. And lastly, talk to your children and teens. If they know what you expect, they will most likely behave accordingly.

Text Messaging; Need a Teen Cell Phone Contract?

Text messaging. Everyone is doing it. From elementary school age children, to virtually every teenager in sight, and even some of the old gray hair folk that can barely turn a computer on. Just when we started thinking that email was the best thing in the world, cell phone providers started offering text messaging. Now you can send messages, pictures, and videos to anyone, anytime, from anywhere. You don't have to be at a computer or have an Internet connection. Take a picture of a cool lizard 100 miles from nowhere and instantly send a copy to your neighbor to find out the species and origin. You send your teen to the store to pick up a few things and realize after they are gone that you need a gallon of milk? No problem, send them a text.

There are millions of situations when text messaging, picture messaging, and even video messaging comes in handy. You may have even read stories about teens that used their cell phone during an emergency and it saved their life. How can your argue with that when your teen or older children start begging for a cell phone? As with anything, there are always two sides to a story. A whole list of pros and cons that need to be considered. Recent stories that are quite frankly, very scary include stories of "sexting" (sending sexually explicit photos, videos, and messages via cell phones and other electronic devices). Text bullying, harassment, stalking, the list goes on and on. Some studies suggest that 93% of parents blieve they "know" what their kids are doing electronically. However, more than 50% of teenagers report that their parents do not know what they are doing. Many recent teen suicides suggest that there is a lot parents don't know.

What starts out as a flirtatious picture between boyfriend and girlfriend can quickly spread through an entire school if the couple breaks up, be found by police when they are going through a cell phone at the scene of an accident, or discovered by an adult when a teen's phone is confiscated, dropped, forgotten, or misplaced. But this isn't a problem contained to teens. News headlines report adult school staff using cell phones to "sext" teens, parents "sexting teens", and adults bullying other adults with "sext" messages. The stories go on and on. We aren't suggesting everyone stop texting, what we are suggesting is that you talk to your children and teens that have cell phones or use any electronic devices. Tell them about cyber bullying, sexting, and other dangers present, just like you would warn them of the dangers associate with swimming in open waters. Watch your teens behavior be aware of depression, anxiety, changing self image, extreme stress, or any drastic change in behavior.

You may consider creating a parent contract. Have a written contract stating exactly what is and is not acceptable behavior when using any electronic devices. Let them know that you will be checking their phones, email, or any other electronic devices intermittently to make sure they are complying with the agreed upon rules. Set forth direct expectations and consequences. Then use positive parenting skills to provide your children and teens with the sense of safety and security they all need. Don't be scared of technology, but be aware. Make sure you know at least as much as your teens. Then do what you can to keep them safe.

Peer Pressure

As adults, it can be difficult to understand the full weight of peer pressure on today's children and teens. As people age, they develop a sense of autonomy, identify with their own set of morals and values, and learn to accept themselves as the individuals they have become. However, children and teens have not yet fully developed in this same manner. They long for acceptance from others as they struggle to discover who they are, in part by identifying with their peers. For this reason, peer pressure should not be under estimated. It can have a strong influence on the decisions that children and teens make, many of which are not for the best.

Peer pressure exists in more than one form. It can be direct, where the child or teen is verbally asked or persuaded to perform an action. An example of this might be when one is offered drugs and told that “everyone is doing it” or that they are “chicken” if they do not at least try it. In another instance, one might be encouraged to participate in an act of violence in order to be accepted as part of a group or gang of kids.

On the other hand, peer pressure also exists as an indirect force. While children and teens feel the need to fit in and adapt socially, every action of the people around them may influence their own behavior. Sometimes young girls participate in early sexual activity as the result of feeling isolated, and believing they are the only one who hasn't done so yet. Or, teenage boys may drive recklessly with friends in the car because they feel pressured to have others believe they are “cool.” The bottom line is that peer pressure is everywhere and it can be a danger to kids who aren't fully equipped to deal with it.

One of the best ways to help kids fight against peer pressure is to provide them with a structured and supportive environment. Studies show that the kids with the strongest support systems are those who are least likely to succumb to peer pressure. Also, children and teens who have a good self esteem and a positive self image are less likely to compromise their own standards to receive the approval of others. Positive parenting helps to build a child's confidence in themselves and allows them to develop confidence in their decision making skills. In addition, talk to your kids about peer pressure. Make sure they know right from wrong, and help them practice ways to say “no” to their friends when they are asked to do something inappropriate or dangerous.

Sibling Rivalry

It can be extremely disheartening for parents to watch their children taunt, tease, argue, and fight with one another. Sibling rivalry causes tension that can disrupt the serenity of the entire home. In the Western countries, about 82% of people have at least one sibling, with whom they generally spend more time with than their parents. Although, children who spend large quantities of time together can't be expected to get along all the time, sibling bonds can be complicated by outside forces that contribute to consistent contention and aggressive behavior between brothers and sisters.

Birth order is one aspect that may play a role in sibling rivalry. Children who are closer in age are more likely to antagonize each other than those who have a few years between them. In addition, parental treatment may play a huge role in sibling rivalry. If children feel they are receiving an unequal amount of love, attention, discipline, or responsiveness, they are likely to act out as a way to compete for what they desire. Plus, children compete to define their individuality apart from their siblings, as they do not wish to be compared by their parents or others. However, sometimes sibling rivalry is just the result of differing personalities or outside influences that cannot be controlled.

Understanding the causes of sibling rivalry makes it possible to take actions in preventing or reducing the problem. By using positive parenting skills you can help build your children's self esteem. Parents must recognize that each child is unique and has their own individual talents and abilities. Never compare one child to the next or label them as opposites in any way that portrays negativity. Avoid using phrases like, “Why can't you be more like your brother?” and “If you practice more, you will be good like your sister.” In addition, teach problem resolving skills, set a good example, and set aside regular one-on-one time with each child. Although rivalry can disrupt the bonds of siblings and create tension in the family, there is hope to reduce or resolve bullying, violence, and rivalry between siblings.

Creating a parent child contract with each child that details certain acceptable and unacceptable behaviors and the rewards/consequences is a great way to communicate and work out some of these issues.

Parent Contracts

Most people will agree that teaching responsibility and administering teen discipline are two of the hardest jobs in parenting. Today's children and teens often feel a sense of entitlement in life, and do not learn the value of hard work. In addition, they are rarely held accountable for their actions anymore, causing a general lack of maturity and motivation. As parents struggle to motivate their children and modify behavior, they may consider using a parent contract. Parent contracts are written agreements between parents and their children that teach where something is given, something is expected of them.

All people are motivated by self interests. This is especially true for those of young ages. Parent contracts serve as a positive motivational tool that allows children and teens to earn the things they desire. Just as they shouldn't expect that everything is handed to them on a silver platter, parents shouldn't assume that their children and teens are likely to perform well without a positive motivating factor. Parent contracts specifically state the goals and behaviors that are expected, and the rewards and privileges that can be earned as a result of compliance. Children and teens will learn to take responsibility for themselves, modify behaviors, and appreciate the things they earn as a result of this useful tool.

Although parent contracts are a resource for positive motivation, they may also include consequences for not following through with certain behaviors. Any punishment should be directly related to the offense and clearly stated as the immediate result of each violation. For example, forgetting to make the bed may result in no TV time for the day, or failure to comply with curfew may result in a one week suspension of car privileges. This method of parenting alleviates any ambiguity associated with punishment and teaches kids that they are accountable for the decisions they make. However, be sure to present parent contracts in a positive way to gain cooperation. Children and teens should view them as a way to earn their desires and sign the contract to show agreement.

Positive Parenting

For decades, the parenting approach referred to as “positive parenting” has been researched. Many experts believe that it provides the strongest support for all aspects of healthy child development. A positive parent exhibits a healthy balance of all the nurturing a child needs including love, understanding, and protection, while acting as an appropriate role model and an accomplished teacher. The underlying structure of positive parenting comes from the parent themselves exemplifying a positive mood. The social, emotional, and intellectual growth of a child can all be accelerated and fortified by using effective positive parenting techniques.

In order to be a positive parent, one must be actively engaged in their children's lives. A structured environment should be present that conveys both physical and emotional safety. In addition, discipline should be handled in an orderly fashion, limits and expectations clearly communicated, and actions consistent and predictable. On the other hand, positive behavior should be reinforced with praise, rewards, or privileges.

The tone of a positive parenting home needs to exemplify love and acceptance. Children need to be heard and responded to in a way that demonstrates genuine care. Plus, empathy must be expressed for their concerns and troubles. Encouraging talents and learning opportunities assists with maintaining a positive tone in life. In addition, offering choices and teaching decision making skills builds confidence and self esteem.

Children who are raised using the positive parenting approach generally perform better in school and are less likely to have aggressive behavior or self esteem issues. The majority of them become healthy, happy, productive member of society. Positive parenting fulfills the parents job to help their children grow up to be independent, responsible, and loving individuals. Overall, when a parent exhibits hopeful encouraging, and positive behavior, their children are more likely to mature well and adopt a positive attitude in their own lives.

Drug and Alcohol Contracts

As a powerful tool for effective parenting, drug and alcohol contracts facilitate communication between kids and parents about some important issues. Children need to be taught form an early age that using drugs or alcohol is a destructive decision that warrants serious discipline. The risks involved with this activity should be made clear. Plus, related issues such as peer pressure and driving under the influence need to be included as part of a drug and alcohol contract to assist children and teens in staying safe.

After discussing the dangers associated with drug and alcohol use with your child or teen, it is a good idea to implement a formal contract, which they will sign to show their pledge to stay compliant with the rules. The contract should stipulate that your child or teen agrees to remain drug/alcohol free and understands effective ways to say “no” when they are offered dangerous substances. In addition, your child/teens contract should include a pledge to never drink and drive or get in the car with a driver who may be under the influence.

Drug and alcohol contracts should additionally include disciplinary actions for breaking the rules. Each offense should have a serious consequence. However, where drugs and alcohol are concerned, it is in the child/teens best interest to seek professional help if the contract is violated more than once or twice. Make sure the disciplinary actions stated in the contract communicate the severity of exhibiting potentially dangerous behaviors.

In addition to facilitating communication with your teen, drug and alcohol contracts exemplify the severity of substance abuse. Often, words may go unheard or forgotten. However, a formal paper agreement shows children and teens that this topic was important enough for their parents to make additional effort. Plus, it serves as a reminder of their commitment. Parents should speak to their kids often about drugs and alcohol and utilize a contract emphasis compliance.