Behavior Charts for General Behavior Issues

Some of the biggest problems we are seeing parents struggle with in regards to parenting and child behavior issues aren't always to big ones like: teen suicide, teen depression, teen pregnancy, or teen drug addiction; but the general everyday behavior issues that we all deal with at times. Maybe it is never doing their homework, ditching out on their chores, or doing them half-heartedly, lying, stealing, cheating in school, fighting with siblings, or just disrespect. Obviously the list could go on and on and we can't address every individual issues separately in this post today. However; we can give you some great tools and positive parenting tips to help you get control back.

Believe it or not, your children and teens need rules and discipline. Some of us that had overly strict parents or felt wronged by an authoritative figure, think that we will never treat our kids that way and in the process go too far in the other direction. Depriving our children and teenagers of the guidance, lessons in responsibility, choice and accountability, and civility that they need to become successful, contributing members of society.

The problem with most of these "overly-strict" or "mean" parents isn't that they meant to be mean or harmful to us in anyway, they just didn't have a good plan. They didn't think ahead to what problems could arise and have a plan in place to deal with them, they just "rolled with the punches" and dealt with each problem as it arose. The problem with that is that, when we are faced with a problem our natural physiological responses prevent us from making logical and rational decisions. Thus, we become "mean" (some maybe even violent) or "over react" to situations. As a result, we generally don't follow-through with any long-term threats. This is sending not only the wrong message, but also mixed messages to our children and teens. First, we are teaching them to deal with problems with anger. Second, we are teaching them that they can't trust us. We threaten something but later realize it wasn't really what was best, so we don't follow through.

A simple solution is to create a parent contract that outlines expected behavior and specific consequences for when the child/teen doesn't follow through with the expected behavior. A general behavior contract can include anything you want or anything you foresee as an issue in your family. Some areas we suggest include:

• Honesty
• Morals
• Language
• Disagreements/arguments
• Family relationships
• Respect for property
• Clothes/appearance
• Privacy
• Family Meetings
• Mealtime
• Blatant disrespect of rules
• Weapons

Of course you can edit or change this list to include age specific of family specific rules that will most benefit your family. Just remember: look ahead for what problems MAY arise. Have set expectations and consequences agreed upon before hand by both parent and child. Then, FOLLOW THROUGH! Don't set up consequences that you won't enforce. Don't give your child a second chance when they knowingly break a rule that has a specific consequence. And lastly, talk to your children and teens. If they know what you expect, they will most likely behave accordingly.

Text Messaging; Need a Teen Cell Phone Contract?

Text messaging. Everyone is doing it. From elementary school age children, to virtually every teenager in sight, and even some of the old gray hair folk that can barely turn a computer on. Just when we started thinking that email was the best thing in the world, cell phone providers started offering text messaging. Now you can send messages, pictures, and videos to anyone, anytime, from anywhere. You don't have to be at a computer or have an Internet connection. Take a picture of a cool lizard 100 miles from nowhere and instantly send a copy to your neighbor to find out the species and origin. You send your teen to the store to pick up a few things and realize after they are gone that you need a gallon of milk? No problem, send them a text.

There are millions of situations when text messaging, picture messaging, and even video messaging comes in handy. You may have even read stories about teens that used their cell phone during an emergency and it saved their life. How can your argue with that when your teen or older children start begging for a cell phone? As with anything, there are always two sides to a story. A whole list of pros and cons that need to be considered. Recent stories that are quite frankly, very scary include stories of "sexting" (sending sexually explicit photos, videos, and messages via cell phones and other electronic devices). Text bullying, harassment, stalking, the list goes on and on. Some studies suggest that 93% of parents blieve they "know" what their kids are doing electronically. However, more than 50% of teenagers report that their parents do not know what they are doing. Many recent teen suicides suggest that there is a lot parents don't know.

What starts out as a flirtatious picture between boyfriend and girlfriend can quickly spread through an entire school if the couple breaks up, be found by police when they are going through a cell phone at the scene of an accident, or discovered by an adult when a teen's phone is confiscated, dropped, forgotten, or misplaced. But this isn't a problem contained to teens. News headlines report adult school staff using cell phones to "sext" teens, parents "sexting teens", and adults bullying other adults with "sext" messages. The stories go on and on. We aren't suggesting everyone stop texting, what we are suggesting is that you talk to your children and teens that have cell phones or use any electronic devices. Tell them about cyber bullying, sexting, and other dangers present, just like you would warn them of the dangers associate with swimming in open waters. Watch your teens behavior be aware of depression, anxiety, changing self image, extreme stress, or any drastic change in behavior.

You may consider creating a parent contract. Have a written contract stating exactly what is and is not acceptable behavior when using any electronic devices. Let them know that you will be checking their phones, email, or any other electronic devices intermittently to make sure they are complying with the agreed upon rules. Set forth direct expectations and consequences. Then use positive parenting skills to provide your children and teens with the sense of safety and security they all need. Don't be scared of technology, but be aware. Make sure you know at least as much as your teens. Then do what you can to keep them safe.

Peer Pressure

As adults, it can be difficult to understand the full weight of peer pressure on today's children and teens. As people age, they develop a sense of autonomy, identify with their own set of morals and values, and learn to accept themselves as the individuals they have become. However, children and teens have not yet fully developed in this same manner. They long for acceptance from others as they struggle to discover who they are, in part by identifying with their peers. For this reason, peer pressure should not be under estimated. It can have a strong influence on the decisions that children and teens make, many of which are not for the best.

Peer pressure exists in more than one form. It can be direct, where the child or teen is verbally asked or persuaded to perform an action. An example of this might be when one is offered drugs and told that “everyone is doing it” or that they are “chicken” if they do not at least try it. In another instance, one might be encouraged to participate in an act of violence in order to be accepted as part of a group or gang of kids.

On the other hand, peer pressure also exists as an indirect force. While children and teens feel the need to fit in and adapt socially, every action of the people around them may influence their own behavior. Sometimes young girls participate in early sexual activity as the result of feeling isolated, and believing they are the only one who hasn't done so yet. Or, teenage boys may drive recklessly with friends in the car because they feel pressured to have others believe they are “cool.” The bottom line is that peer pressure is everywhere and it can be a danger to kids who aren't fully equipped to deal with it.

One of the best ways to help kids fight against peer pressure is to provide them with a structured and supportive environment. Studies show that the kids with the strongest support systems are those who are least likely to succumb to peer pressure. Also, children and teens who have a good self esteem and a positive self image are less likely to compromise their own standards to receive the approval of others. Positive parenting helps to build a child's confidence in themselves and allows them to develop confidence in their decision making skills. In addition, talk to your kids about peer pressure. Make sure they know right from wrong, and help them practice ways to say “no” to their friends when they are asked to do something inappropriate or dangerous.